Ruedean Update - Home from the hospital

I am stunned at the events of this weekend. And yet somehow I KNOW hundreds of prayers continue to be prayed. How can I describe the peace we all have with what has happened. Tears - yes - we go from giggling at a story about mom to crying buckets. Some are having a much harder time with things than others. But there is a bubble of peace.

I know at some point, the full force of what has happened will come slamming into reality. We lost the main cog in how our family runs - Mom put herself there and never accepted help for this job. How do you replace somebody who is so vital to everything that happens.

We've sifted through "What If..." and "Why didn't anybody know she was sick?" and "How did we miss it?" ... and all thos questions. The maybe's ... And I've heard a few "Why?" and "Why now?"

I believe firmly that all things work together for the good of them that love God. We don't know why God allows things to happen - sometimes it is from sin - sometimes the sin of the world - sometimes a witness to somebody. I know that God knew in his perfect grace and knowledge that NOW was when she was going to come home to Heaven. He knew WHEN. He knew HOW. And He knows WHY.

I have suspected for a long time now that she was not doing as well as she pretended - and HID with all her might from everybody. In spite of her constant assurance that she was fine. That she just needed more sleep. And she DID need more sleep. She often stayed up late at night cleaning or paying bills or working a second job. My dad does this too. Pushing themselves well beyond what they should.

I knew, somehow, that when Mom died - it would be fast and sudden. She never wanted to be a burden to anybody. She was very strong-willed. Enough to HIDE how sick she was getting to be. Enough to go on long cleaning frenzys. Enough to let go if she thought she was costing too much money or would be a burden to us in the futures.

I didn't spend very much time with her at the end. The ICU was so crowded. I told Mom often how much we loved her. Nearly every night, Joel would come give my parents good night kisses. Her wish was to spend as much time as she could with her grandchildren. I tried to make her an important part to their life. I could worry that I allowed her too much to take care of my kids, sometimes when I could have done it. But her grandchildren and children were her total existance. I think she would have given up sooner. I did take the girls to see her so they could tell her good-bye.

But all things are from God. He will give us the grace to get through.


Dad and some of the sisters and family will be making funeral arrangements tomorrow. I'm staying home with the kids. The most imporatant arrangement was made many years ago - SHE is in HEAVEN. What we have left is just the body. Mom used to say, "Just bury me out back in a wooden coffin."

Kendra cries and has kept her hands very busy on a crochet blanket.

Vannan cries and cries and cries. I'm most worried about her.

Joel ... I don't know if he understands fully - if I ask him where Grammy is, he will happily tell you that she is in heaven with our baby (the one we lost a year ago). But I don't know if he quite understands that she will not be next door for him - not ever again. Grammy will never again surprise him with a yellow car, or a chunk of chocolate. No TV days at Grammy's house. No sleepovers.

She did so much. I am numb. I know God will carry us through.

Please keep praying.